Silly Old Daniel Does Disney: Chapter 3
Disney, please stop making films without songs in them.
Hiya! I’m gonna be honest with you, I wasn’t sure whether I was going to get this week’s post done on time, but I was determined to finish, and I’m relieved to say it’s here (who doesn’t love a bit of self-imposed pressure on something that’s literally supposed to be “a bit of fun”, eh?).
Once you’ve read this, we’re officially at the halfway point of the ranking, so these are the films that young people might call “mid” (which potentially explains why I found writing about them a bit more of a struggle than the previous weeks) – although it has to be said there are some absolute classics in the mix, too.
You might also notice that of the 10 films on this list, there are only three different scores between them, which should be an indicator of how close it’s all getting. Exciting, isn’t it!
If you’ve not yet read parts one and two then get onto that before we dive into numbers 40-31 in my Disney animated films countdown…
40. Ralph Breaks The Internet (2018)
This might come as a surprise given what I’ve been writing about for the last three weeks now, but around the time of the early 2010s, I was so disinterested in Disney that my consumption of their films pretty much consisted of the occasional Pixar offering, and repeats of The Little Mermaid on my laptop (which I downloaded off Limewire before I went on my year abroad, along with that version of Lose My Breath with the AOL MUSIC FIRST LISTEN intro and about 50 clips of some Bill Clinton impersonator telling me to invest in crypto or whatever that was).
I didn’t even watch Wreck-It Ralph until a good few years after it came out. I was spending a bit of time at my parents’ house over Christmas when it happened to be on TV – and I loved it. In fact, I loved it so much that I went to see the sequel, Ralph Breaks The Internet, at the cinema by myself (and I mean literally by myself, there was no one else in the cinema screen) when it came out six years later – and I did not love that.
It’s not necessarily that Ralph Breaks The Internet is a bad film – the plot makes sense as a logical follow-on from the original, and I like the overall message about not expecting too much of your friends (in particular that bit where the giant Ralph is running around town shouting for Vanelope to be his “friend” is very effective).
But I have two major issues with this film. For starters, the first Wreck-It Ralph works because its many cultural references are all hooked on nostalgia (as a non-gamer, half of them went over my head, but I realise that’s a me problem, not a Wreck-It Ralph problem). The trouble with this sequel is that it’s set in the here and now – or rather, the here and now of 2018, so rewatching it even a few years later, it already feels stale. There’s a Chewbacca Mom joke in there, for example. How is anyone supposed to explain that to a kid in 2023? Even a whole subplot about the stresses of buying something on eBay feels a little on the dated side.
The other – much bigger – issue is that it is much, much too long. Two hours is all well and good for a muli-timeline Christopher Nolan epic, but I do not need to be spending that much time on a Disney film (especially one that is ultimately as throwaway as Ralph Breaks The Internet)
Still, the mass princess scene is cute, and I LOVE that my girl C3PO gets a little cameo. I fucking love that little gold diva. If I were to do a Star Wars rewatch (who knows, maybe I will once this endurance task is over) he’d be the scene-stealer in every single film.
Scene-stealer: Most of the new characters in this sequel didn’t really hit the spot, and Vanelope is a little higher on the “fart joke” scale for my tastes. So I’m giving the title to KnowsMore, Ralph Breaks The Internet’s answer to Google (which is apparently the exact moment Disney’s bottomless money-pit ran out when it came to real-world online references).
39. Basil The Great Mouse Detective (1986)
Basil The Great Mouse Detective was always on the Disney Channel when I was a kid, but for some reason I never felt the need to watch it. Imagine my surprise, then, when I finally pressed play on it as an adult and discovered it was set in London, 1897, the very same year I moved to the city. Oh, the nostalgia!
For those who’ve not seen it, Basil is a detective who lives in Sherlock Holmes’ house (there’s also a mouse version of Queen Victoria who lives in Buckingham Palace – weirdly, Basil The Great Mouse Detective appears to be set in a world where everyone has a mouse counterpart, giving parallels to the Jordan Peele film Us that I would really rather not dwell on). This film is alright. The most memorable (translation: camp) bit is this bit in a speakeasy where a showgirl mouse named “Miss Kitty” performs a saucy routine called Let Me Be Good To You, complete with a reveal. It’s not a game-changer, but if you consider yourself a Disney fan, there’s still a lot to love here.
Scene-stealer: Oh, Ratigan. Maybe the most underrated Disney villain of the whole lot, Ratigan is a camp mobster voiced by Vincent Price who feeds his henchman to an enormous cat when they displease him. He also gets a proper villain song – which he literally pauses midway through to murder someone.
His master plan also involves overthrowing the monarchy (yay!) but only so he can increase the taxes on working class folks (boo!), so let’s file him under: problematic faves.
38. Treasure Planet (2002)
Goodness me, the reaction I got on Twitter when I said I was watching Treasure Planet for the first time, I was inundated with messages. FIVE whole tweets. I could barely keep up.
Seriously, though, I had no idea Treasure Planet had such a following, but I can see why it does – it’s a special film. Building on the “action-adventure” thing Disney previously explored in Atlantis, they threw a lot at Treasure Planet. It’s an ambitious film, and most of it works – I do think they bit off a bit more than they can chew with some of the CGI sequences, but better to take big swings than play it safe, I suppose.
Treasure Planet almost felt comparable with Star Wars at times, not just in terms of its themes, and the scope of what Disney was shooting for, but also because it is absolutely littered with total weirdo aliens and robots, which is right up my street.
My major critiques of Treasure Planet are 1) that it should have had songs, there are very obvious places songs should have gone, I don’t get why Disney were so reluctant to include music in their films during this era when songs have always been the company’s hallmark and 2) one of the minor characters is an alien who farts. Absolutely not.
Scene-stealer: Attention “actress” gays, Laurie Metcalf and Dame Emma I’m So Fond both voice characters in Treasure Planet. Surprisingly, though, neither of those two were my favouritse.
You might have noticed a bit of a pattern in my “scene-stealers”, in that they’re mostly old dears, plus-sized lovelies or outright villains. But in a break from tradition I want to talk to yous about B.E.N.
Voiced by Martin Short (of Father Of The Bride, Only Murders In The Building and about a million other comedies), B.E.N. is a quirky little fella, who just made me laugh a lot. Sorry to keep banging my “every Disney film needs original songs” drum, but I genuinely do think if they’d given him a Friend Like Me/You’re Welcome “buddy” showtune, people would still be queueing to meet B.E.N. at Disneyland to this day.
37. Meet The Robinsons (2007)
I definitely think if you went on Pointless and the category was “Disney films”, you’d do well to name Meet The Robinsons. Surely this is the least impactful film of the 61 on this list? And yet, I have a very vivid memory of going to see it at the cinema with my dear friend Emma (hiya Emma, I bet you aren’t reading this to be fair, but if you are, hiya!) when it first came out, and being absolutely bent over (to clarify, with laughter, before any of yous suggest anything untoward).
Meet The Robinsons has that very specific Emperor’s New Groove vibe where it feels like the people up top were just like, “do you know what, do you what you want, we’re past caring”. And I mean that in a good way.
It doesn’t feel like something that was meddled with a whole lot (ironically, given I just compared it to The Emperor’s New Groove), and clearly the people who made this film really made one another laugh. Meet The Robinsons is a very fast-paced film – if I were reviewing it for an actual publication I might describe it as “madcap” – and it’s very, very silly.
If I’m being picky – which I suppose am, because I’ve only given it 6.8 out of 10 – it does suffer in the same way as Chicken Little from being one of the first entirely CGI Disney films, and it came out at a time I don’t truly think the company was ready for it (things had definitely picked up by the time Bolt came a year later).
But if you can look past some of its visual imperfections, and you like something that doesn’t take itself too seriously, I reckon you should give it a go. Which, incidentally, was almost my exact Tinder bio back when I was single.
Scene-stealer: There’s a very stupid character in Meet The Robinsons who is basically an eccentric man whose head is on back to front (it’s that sort of film), but the scene-stealer is the villain, known as the Bowler Hat Guy. Who doesn’t love a villain who’s proper shit at being a villain?
36. Tarzan (1999)
As young people say, Tarzan is the moment the Disney renaissance era “fell off”. I can’t really recall much about it, so here are some thoughts I tweeted while watching it for the first time last year:
1. “Phil Collins really said ‘fuck your time period and setting I’ll be doing my usual thing and collecting my Oscar for it thank you very much’.”
2. “Making Tarzan not hot was, in my opinion, an interesting choice. This film came after Brendan Fraser in George Of The Jungle aka the hottest anyone has ever looked on screen [...] I wonder if Disney were just like ‘he’s too naked to also be attractive’?”
3. “ROSIE O’DONNELL?!?”
4. “GLENN CLOSE?!?”
5. “BRIAN BLESSED????”
6.
I also learned while re-reading my Tarzan thread that I had to pause the film in the middle of watching it to report on the breaking news that Laura Whitmore had stepped down as the host of Love Island. What an exciting life I lead, eh?
Scene-stealer: Aw, let’s just talk about Minnie Driver as Jane for a second. First of all, her speaking voice is just absolute heaven, but she also just makes Jane come across so well, and I don’t think she’d be the easiest character to make likeable on the page.
Minnie Driver’s Jane is gorgeously plummy, but without ever coming across as snooty. She’s basically exactly what Kate Winslet is trying to emulate when she pretends to be relatable on talk shows. Give it up, Kate. You’re rich! That’s fine!
35. The Adventures Of Ichabod And Mr Toad (1949)
Unlike most of the package films that came before it, which are split into five thousand musical numbers, each more tedious than the last, The Adventures Of Ichabod And Mr Toad is made up of just two stories. The first is about Mr Toad. The second, if you can believe it, is about Ichabod Crane, a man that your friend and mine Gracie, used to say I looked like because he has long, skinny legs and bounces when he walks. I’m going to start with him seeing as he’s the one who reminds me most of myself.
After a period of not being able to draw people very well, Disney came back with a bang for this Ichabod Crane story, which starts off slightly weird and ends up being one of the most nightmare-fuelling sequences in Disney history. I would v much recommend digging it around Halloween time.
And then there’s The Adventures Of Mr Toad – one of the rich people I will eat last when the revolution comes. I know he’s fundamentally a dickhead with too much money and too little thought for other people, but he’s just so cute isn’t he?
Scene-stealer: Mr Toad, but specifically Mr Toad when he dresses up in drag to get out of prison, using one of those literal balls and chain as a fake bum. Curves. And. Swerves.
34. The Sword In The Stone (1963)
Remember at the very beginning of this process, I explained my long and complicated scoring system? Well, here’s the thing. If I were basing this list purely on my own enjoyment, The Sword In The Stone would most likely be in my top 10. Like… the problems with this film are obvious. The animation is a bit janky, it doesn’t really have much of a story, the songs are quite forgettable, there are three completely different actors voicing Arthur, with no obvious rhyme or reason as to when one takes over from another (I swear sometimes his voice literally changes mid-sentence?).
Honestly, though, I don’t care about any of that. I have so much nostalgia wrapped up in The Sword In The Stone, I just think it’s wonderful. And a big part of that is Merlin. What a brilliant character – he’s whimsical, he’s silly, he’s decent, I truly believe Merlin should have what Tinkerbell has in terms of being an iconic Disney figurehead (I’m sure we’ll get onto my hatred of Tinkerbell at a later date, though). A very sound guy, all-round.
Scene-stealer: As much as I really do love Merlin, I have to give it to my pastel princess Mad Madame Mim, who is the real shining star in this film’s third act. Anyone who has the ability to make herself traditionally “beautiful” but simply chooses not to, and can sing the line “I’m an ugly old creep!” with that much joy is a queen in my eyes.
33. Dumbo (1941)
I’m here for Dumbo. He’s a cute little kid, his mam’s a nice lady, he gets pissed in the middle, there are some emotional scenes, and then he learns a nice lesson about owning what makes you different and making it work for you. Best of all, the whole film is 64 minutes long. Have a laugh, have a cry, bed by 10, what’s not to love?
Scene-stealer: Mrs Jumbo would be the scene-stealer no matter what, just because of the fact her name is Mrs Jumbo, but she’s also a good lass who I’ve got a lot of time for. Good for you, Mrs Jumbo! Can you tell I really have nothing to say about this film? Moving on!
32. Raya And The Last Dragon (2021)
“Experience the movie event,” said one early poster for Raya And The Last Dragon which, of course, is not exactly how things turned out in the end because of a certain Panny-D keeping us all in our homes for months at a time.
Raya And The Last Dragon was originally supposed to come out in November 2020, but got pushed back to March, and even then it was a Disney+ exclusive, but only if you paid extra for it or something. Either way, it was a complicated release, and within a few months, it had been completely eclipsed by Disney’s next release, a little film called Encanto, which blew Raya and her last dragon out of the water entirely.
It’s a shame more people aren’t aware of Raya And The Last Dragon, though. Stylistically and storytelling-wise, it was another risk for Disney, and one that I think they executed really well. This film unquestionably showcases some of the best CGI animation Disney has ever managed in the 21st century, and I love that it’s one of those where someone starts off as a loner and eventually acquires a rag-tag group of misfit pals over the course of the series.
And I’m sorry to do this again, but I have to say it…. Maybe Raya And The Last Dragon could have made an impact as big as Encanto had they just thrown a few bastard songs in the mix.
Scene-stealer: Dang Hu is not to be fucked with, and that’s that on that.
31. The Three Caballeros (1945)
Alright, this film is wild. Half a celebration of Donald Duck’s 10th birthday, half an exploration of South American culture, The Three Caballeros crams in musical numbers, a very cute penguin and some really quite beautiful animation, including some really trippy psychedelic sequences towards the end, and a section where Donald and my main man José Carioca do some dancing with a live-action woman, played by Aurora Miranda.
Eeeeeeh, while we’re on the subject, get a listen to this quote from Aurora Miranda’s Wikipedia page:
“...she released her first record, Cai, Cai, Balão ("Drop, Drop Balloon") alongside the crooner then considered Brazil's rei da voz or "king of the voice", Francisco Alves. Alves was known for supporting up-and-coming artists and there was none more promising than Aurora, who many still believe had a more beautiful voice than Carmen…”
Very into that completely needless Carmen Miranda shade. But I digress.
The Three Caballeros is, if nothing else, a very interesting film, and I was surprised at how much I enjoyed it considering the shite released before and after it – although I would point out that, as you might expect, not all of the film has aged massively well. Unlike a certain Ms Aurora Miranda I could mention…
Scene-stealer: Donald Duck is a babe in this film. I know he gets a bad rap for his “short temper” or whatever, but Donald just keeps it real. Unlike certain rats I could mention who are too concerned about their image and keeping their sponsorship deal or whatever to show everyone their true colours.
And that’s it for the bottom half of the ranking! I’m off work for a week now (ooooooh!), but I’ll most likely be back on Friday for the bottom of the top (which again was my bio on Tinder back when I was single hahaha yes jokes about bottoms and tops very funny slay the house down boots comedy queen please subscribe to my Substack for more commentary about Disney and nonsensical jokes about anal sex). Byeee! x