Silly Old Daniel Does Disney: Chapter 2
Queer love, iconic smokers and another rant about Mickey Mouse.
Hiya! I’m writing this particular introduction on my day off, the morning after the Oscars (to clarify, I covered it from home overnight, I wasn’t there hobnobbing with Nicole Kidman, Malala and that donkey they pretended was the actual one from Banshees Of Inisherin).
I’m on about two and a half hours’ sleep, sitting on my laptop in Balans, enjoying a tea and the finest eggs in all of London. I bet anyone who caught me out of the corner of their eye would think I was working on something dead important, y’know. A thought-provoking column, perhaps, or my first novel. Little do they know I’m actually trying to weigh up which of the geese in The Aristocats was the campest, and yammering on about what a prick Mickey Mouse is. Speaking of which, shall we crack on?
If you didn’t catch part one of my Disney films ranking (Home On The Range through Bambi), then give that a read first, before we make a start on the top 50. Starting with…
50. The Black Cauldron (1985)
If you’ve heard of The Black Cauldron without having actually seen it, the chances are it’s in connection with some part of its disastrous history. Perhaps you’re familiar with the fact it’s the most nightmare-fuelling film in the whole Disney Animated Canon (it was famously the first animated movie released by the studio to carry a PG certificate). Maybe you’ve heard about the fact it was plagued with production issues, to the point that newly-appointed Disney boss Jeffrey Katzenberg barged his way into the editing room and supposedly started going at The Black Cauldron himself with a pair of scissors. Or, there’s a chance you already know it performed so poorly at the box office, matched with a lukewarm critical reception, that it almost brought the entire Disney animation studio crashing to the ground.
Watching The Black Cauldron, all of these cracks (and more!) are very, very visible. The story is absolutely all over the shop, there are pieces of dialogue that relate to absolutely nothing that’s been on screen, new characters come and go pretty much at random, and there are audible skips in the soundtrack from where Katzenberg got his hands on sequences he wasn’t happy with.
If all of this makes it sound like it’s worth checking out – well, it is! Be warned, though. The Black Cauldron doesn’t make for hugely entertaining viewing, but it’s also not even shoddy enough to verge into “so bad it’s good” territory (and The Horned King is a terrifying bastard, people are right about that one). It’s worth watching once – and once only – but the story behind the making of The Black Cauldron is far more interesting than the film itself.
Scene-stealer: I won’t be naming many runner-ups in this list – let’s face it, I’ve already rambled on long enough and we’re only onto the first film – but I have to start by giving a shout-out to the witch who loses an exasperated frog between her, frankly, enormous breasts in one memorable scene (this trio of witches’ names are never revealed on screen, which unfortunately stops The Black Cauldron from passing the Bechdel test).
However, the real scene-stealer of The Black Cauldron is Henwen, a psychic pig at the centre of the action, who has visions of the future, a very cute face and beautiful eyelashes.
49. Brother Bear (2003)
As you’re possibly already aware, it wasn’t long after The Black Cauldron that Disney managed to claw it back in a big way, releasing a string of back-to-back hits like Beauty And The Beast, Aladdin and The Lion King in what came to be known as the “Disney renaissance” (which would later inspire the Beyoncé album of the same name) (alright I made that last bit up).
However, by the time Brother Bear hit cinemas in 2003, Disney was in an arguably even bigger slump than the mid-80s. This dry spell was not helped by the fact Dreamworks (co-led by the aforementioned Jeffrey Katzenberg, original mutilator of The Black Cauldron) was having huge success with Shrek (which Disney would embarrassingly try to ape with their own film Chicken Little, which I’ve already slagged off once in a previous post), making what Disney was doing look, shockingly, like amateur hour in comparison.
Of the films released in this wilderness period, Brother Bear is far from the worst – it’s an ambitious story, the animation is fabulous and there was a twist that apparently took me by surprise when I watched it (although I’ll admit I have since forgotten what it was, brilliant reviewing work by me there).
The film’s biggest crime is that, despite roping Phil Collins (!) back in after the success of Tarzan, with one number even being performed by Tina bastard Turner (!!!), the songs are just not good. Or, as I put it when I watched Brother Bear for the first time in October 2022: “Eeeeeeeh Phil Collins was having a laugh with these songs.”
Scene-stealer: You know a minute ago when I said The Black Cauldron didn’t pass the Bechdel test because the witches weren’t named on screen? Well, the scene-stealer in Brother Bear isn’t even named full stop. In fact, I watched the credits all the way through to discover what my favourite character was called, only to find her referred to as simply “Old Lady Bear”.
To be fair, that alone makes her what straight people would call “a bit of me”, and as if that wasn’t camp enough, Old Lady Baby’s big plot point revolves around her telling everyone about her dead husband, only for it to turn out he is, in fact, very much alive. Jill Tyrell, who?
48. The Fox And The Hound (1981)
He was a fox. He was a hound. Can I make it any more obvious?
Much like the hit Avril Lavigne song Sk8er Boi, The Fox And The Hound is an emotional tale of two young people, whose strong bond is broken by outside forces who tell them they can’t be together.
Unlike the titular “Sk8er Boi” in Avril’s song – who eventually finds someone new to share what I assume is the single mattress on the floor of his friend’s spare room (I’m joking, sk8ers, I’m one of you, if you ever see me in my pastel rollerblades going round in circles outside West Ham’s Stadium, come say hiya!) – Disney’s fox (Tod) and hound (Copper, which to be clear would be a much better name for a fox) have a much sadder ending. The Fox And The Hound very clearly wants to make you ugly cry, and the chances are, it will succeed (although I’m sure you actually look very lovely when you cry).
Where The Fox And The Hound falls down is by framing the conflict as a “two sides” matter, when in reality one of them is pretty consistently in the wrong. It’s a bit like how the media frames [REDACTED BECAUSE WE’RE ALL TRYING TO HAVE SOME DISNEY FUN, AREN’T WE? KEEP IT LIGHT!].
Scene-stealer: I’ve written down the name “Big Mama”. I don’t remember anything Big Mama does, but she’s an owl named Big Mama, and that should surely be enough.
47. Atlantis: The Lost Empire (2001)
Wowie, what is it about that Milo lad from Atlantis that had closeted child queers in the early-2000s in such a cholk-jold? My crush on Milo from the trailer alone was so strong and confusing as a nine-year-old that I didn’t even watch this film for the first time until I was in my mid-20s. To be fair, I think I will always carry a flame for him, in that geek-from-the-Push-The-Button-music-video sort of way, even if one key scene of Atlantis: The Lost Empire sees a major plot developing while he’s trying to have a shit (The Lion King has a lot to answer for in terms of Disney LOWERING THE TONE. I’m looking at you “picks his nose and eats it” joke in Frozen).
All jokes aside, Disney was really going for something different with Atlantis: The Lost Empire, which is pretty admirable considering they were still doing so well for themselves at the turn of the millennium. Compared to what came before it, Atlantis has a completely different style of animation, as well as a very unique voice, some great humour and, interestingly, no musical numbers (there are very very very few song-less Disney films that wouldn’t be improved with a couple of musical numbers and I’m fairly confident that this is one of them).
Did Disney hit it out of the park with every big swing they took? No, they did not, but I would like to see them giving Atlantis a bit more love in the grand scheme of things.
Scene-stealer: This character’s full name is Wilhelmina Bertha Packard, but when I live-tweeted watching Atlantis, I referred to her as just “the smoking old bag”. There’s one scene at the end where you see what everyone has done with their fortune and she is in a turban and fur coat (with, of course, a cigarette holder). Bring back smoking in cartoons, I say.
46. The Aristocats (1970)
This feels as good a place as any to say this. I don’t love a Disney animal film, y’know? I understand they’re cute and everything, but they leave me a bit cold compared to the human-centric stories. I guess I just find people more relatable. You know, with me being a human and everything.
Having said that, there’s a lot to like in The Aristocats. We have a central couple with genuine chemistry (even if Duchess is, make no mistake, a completely useless mother), we have a cost-cutting animation technique that somehow ends up makes things appear more charming and special in the scratchiness and roughness around the edges, we have a bumbling villain who deserves more love from Disney fans in general and we have a pissed-up old goose staggering around the place and causing havoc. I’m sold!
Unfortunately, there is also some big fat capital-R racism in The Aristocats, which is the main reason this genuinely-very-good film isn’t higher up this list.
Scene-stealer: One thing to be said about The Aristocats is that there is so much GLAMOUR in it.
Obviously Eva Gabor’s Duchess is one thing, but there’s also the wealthy old dear, the horse in the hat (named Ms Frou Frou, no less!) and those two gossiping geese in bonnets, Abigail and Amelia. They win the scene-stealer title simply for the way they waddle in unison. Adorable.
45. Strange World (2022)
And so, we arrive at Disney’s most recent animated film, so early on in the ranking.
Strange World came out at the end of 2022 and quickly became known for two things. First of all, the fact it was a box office bomb, which a lot of people blamed on the fact Disney gave it little to no push at all, despite coming off the back of a huge hit in the form of Encanto. And secondly, the fact it featured the first proper explicitly queer character in any Disney film.
Within the first couple of scenes, we learn that teenager Ethan (voiced by comedian Jaboukie Young-White, who I once saw doing stand-up at the Soho Theatre, that’s right, I go out, I do things, my entire life doesn’t revolve around watching Disney films and writing about them for fives of tens of people to read about) not only has a crush on a male classmate, but actually ends up acting on it! Disney, disappointingly, made absolutely no noise about this milestone moment, despite all of the hullabaloo that previously surrounded supposedly queer moments in other films, which inevitably turned out to be little more than a nod to a never-seen, off-screen partner or, in one case, some extended eye contact.
While I’m on this subject, I want to talk about Ethan some more, but only if you’ve actually seen Strange World. If you haven’t seen it yet, carry on to Bolt. Oh yeah, the next film is Bolt. Sorry. As you can see I’m not joking about spoilers so if you still haven’t seen Strange World PLEASE DO KEEP IT MOVING.
Right, now it’s just us, let’s talk about Ethan and Diazo ending up getting together in the final scene of Strange World. And I have to admit, I am truthfully still shocked at just how moved I was to see this. I’m in my 30s now, and am largely very secure in my queerness, but every now and then something small like this comes along that makes me feel so overjoyed to see how far things have come for young queer people, even if I also feel sad for the moments like seeing Ethan and Diazo that I didn’t get in my own adolescence, moments that would have undoubtedly made me feel more seen and more valid and less alone in the world.
In that final scene, we learn that Ethan and Diazo have ended up together because they have a bit of a cuddle. Then, they move their heads close together. And then… nothing.
And here’s my issue with Strange World and its queer characters. The film’s central couple – Ethan’s parents, Searcher and Meridian – are all over each other from start to finish. They even make a joke of how frequently and gratuitously they indulge in PDA. And good for them! But my question is, if I have to watch a straight couple kiss a hundred times in the same film, why do I not get to see the queers kiss even once?
I would not care about Ethan and Diazo kissing at all (it does, indeed, seem like a weird thing for a 31-year-old to want to be upset about not seeing in a film) were it not for the fact that I have been watching animated male-female couples (including teenagers and – on more than one occasion – lasses that were literally unconscious) kiss one another in Disney films for decades – including in Strange World itself. So, why are they suddenly becoming all chaste just because it’s two lads in the mix this time around?
Would I go as far as saying this whole debacle feels like two steps forward and one step back? I’m not sure. But I can’t deny that it did taint my initial enjoyment of the whole Ethan and Diazo story arc, and therefore Strange World as a whole. And annoyingly, because this film flopped so hard, I don’t think we’ll ever get a sequel, or a TV spin-off or even one of those heinous five-minute Simpsons crossovers on Disney+, where we would finally get to see Ethan and Diazo have their first kiss. It’s a pity, they’re a cute pair and they deserved better. At the very least, if not, they deserve equal treatment given to all the other couples in Disney history.
Scene-stealer: Splat, the canny little blue blob.
44. Bolt (2008)
Something you might not know about me is that I am a John Travolta stan. If I see John Travolta in a headline, you can best believe that’s a news story I’m clicking on.
Obviously we all know and love “Adele Dazeem” at the Oscars, but did you ever see John Travolta dancing with Lady Gaga at an after-party later that night? Did you see him accidentally giving an award to Drag Race alum Jade Jolie at the VMAs, thinking she was Taylor Swift? Did you know he was the one to present Will Smith his Oscar, mere minutes after he slapped Chris Rock across the chops? Where John Travolta goes, strangeness follows, and that’s something I’m all about (*puts fingers in ears every time someone mentions Scientology*).
However, despite my deep-rooted love for John Travolta, I had never seen his one venture into the world of Disney, Bolt, until late last year. Surprisingly, Bolt was a lot better than you might expect, but you’ll probably get a lot more out of it if you’re a dog person, which we have already established I am not.
Bolt is no ordinary dog, though. He’s a TV star! And one weird thing about this film is that it seems to be trying to make a lot of points about animals not being able to consent to working, and how we shouldn’t be exploiting them for entertainment.
A very good point, of course. But also a strange one for a company whose notorious track record of pushing child stars – including Bolt’s very own Miley Cyrus, who at this time was still best known for playing Disney Channel’s Hannah Montana, rather than “twerking” at the VMAs, swinging naked on a wrecking ball and squeezing every last drop of content she possibly can out of her divorce – into the spotlight.
Scene-stealer: As we know, I am not a dog person… but I am a John Travolta person through and through.
43. The Rescuers (1977)
Every time I think about The Rescuers, I get a bit sad, because I recently found out The Carpenters were approached to do the music, but Richard Carpenter said it would be corny and said no, even though Karen Carpenter was, like, a full-on Disney obsessive (the Please Mr Postman video is literally her spending the day with Mickey Mouse and Goofy – the real one, not her brother – at Disneyland). And the worst of it is, Disney got some absolute schnidey Carpenters sound-a-like to do the songs instead, and Karen Carpenter died six years later without ever getting to do a Disney film.
Sorry to kick things off on such a bleak note – but, thinking about it, The Rescuers is a bleak, bleak film. For one thing, it’s literally a story about full-scale child abuse (poor Penny is kidnapped with the specific purpose of sending her down a mine after some ugly diamond – no wonder she’s such a whinge), and even the colour pallet is much towards the darker end than most of the Disney films that came before, or after, it.
Of course, you can’t talk about The Rescuers without mentioning its central couple, Bernard and Bianca, a Disney pair so popular in my household growing up that my sister named her budgies after them. Bernard is such a gentleman (unlike a certain singer-songwriter from the 1970s who wouldn’t let his own sister follow her dreams because he thought it would be “corny”, woe betide Richard Carpenter if our paths ever cross, I swear to god) and Bianca… well let’s talk about Bianca.
Scene-stealer: For starters, we learn in the opening credits that she is not just called Bianca, but Miss Bianca. Love it. Also, the first time we’re introduced to “Miss Bianca”, she’s walking into a meeting at the Rescue Aid Society, spritzing herself with perfume, which is as boastful a display of not giving a fuck I’ve ever heard one.
Except in reality, she does give a fuck! Very much so! Not only is she great at her job, she’s very benevolent, to both Penny and Bernard, who she insists should accompany her on her mission, and puts her whole faith in at numerous points across the film.
She’s just a good egg, to be honest, and she’s also glamorous as fuck. She’s basically the mouse equivalent of Jane Fonda.
42. Fantasia (1940)
And from a benevolent mouse, to a mouse I can not bastard stand. If you read part one, my feelings about Mickey Mouse will already be clear to you. But I’m ready to get into it some more. I think it speaks volumes that the Sorcerer’s Apprentice section of Fantasia is so often held up as his finest hour – even though it’s literally a whole story about a disaster he created due to his own arrogance, laziness and incompetence. Mickey doesn’t even save the day!! To quote the great prophet Kim Woodburn, “you’re causing all this”, except unlike whatever trivial thing it was that Kim was slurring about in the Celebrity Big Brother house, Mickey literally is causing all of this, and doesn’t even have the skills to fix it all. Even his iconic blue wizard’s hat is stolen from someone else! Mickey Mouse is a piece of fucking shit, and the more people who know about this, the better.
Now that’s out of the way, let’s have a conversation about Fantasia, because it’s a film I have mixed feelings about. Firstly, Fantasia is an undeniable piece of groundbreaking cinema, the animation is beautiful and when you consider just how well synchronised all of the hand-drawn movement on screen is with the music, it’s truly mind-boggling. The people who put these sequences together are just a whole other level of talented.
But also… you know how the late Ariel Burdett once said that her X Factor audition piece was “not a song”, but rather “something to be understood from an academic perspective”. Well, that’s sort of how I feel about Fantasia. Like, it’s obviously very impressive… but god it’s long isn’t it? Is there any need for it to be so long? I get that it must have blown people’s at the time, so it’s obviously worth preserving and coming back to. I still think I could trim a good 25 minutes off it, though.
Scene-stealer: One of the most triumphant things Walt Disney ever put his name on is the Dance Of The Hours sequence in Fantasia. First come the ostriches, all long lashes and hair bows and ballet moves like something I could have dreamed up myself. I’d be happy enough if that was the end of it. But then… come the hippos. And one in particular.
The first time I ever saw Hyacinth Hippo, emerging like a greek goddess in a fountain, before going on to do a bit of ballet with her hippopotamus gal pals, I swear to god I hovered about an inch off the floor. I fell in love instantly. She is confident, she is sexy, she is a star. She is beauty and she’s grace, she’s miss United States. She’s a bitch and a boss, and she shines like gloss. She has got what it takes to be America’s Next Top Model.
Seriously, if you have never watched Dance Of The Hours, I implore you to check it out. Fantasia is long, but I would wait a lifetime to catch a glimpse of Hyacinth in action. This – THIS! – is what glamour looks like.
41. One Hundred And One Dalmatians (1961)
Don’t be too surprised this “classic” is so far down the ranking, I literally told you three films ago I’m not a dog person, and this is a film for a dog person.
What I will say about One Hundred And One Dalmatians (to give it its irritatingly-written-out-in-words-rather-than-numbers full title) is that I love the very specific way it looks, I love the way it depicts London in the early 60s and obviously it gave us one of most iconic Disney characters in history (would there even be a profitable Disney villain franchise without Cruella De Vil?).
So, how come it didn’t even make the top 40. Well, I’ve got two words for you. Twilight. Bark.
What you forget when you watch One Hundred And One Dalmatians back is that there are huge swathes of it with no dalmatians at all, and not even any Cruella. Instead, there’s this huge section of just all these anonymous dogs around the South East of England just… barking at each other. No talking, just endless bastard barking, and it goes on for what feels like an eternity.
Also… Roger is a literal musician, why does this whole film only have two songs in it? And even then – one of them is a song about Cruella that the poor lass doesn’t even get to sing herself, and the other is that “we’ll build a dalmatian plantation” mess.
Scene-stealer: Before we get into the icon, legend and diva that is Cruella, I have to give a very small shout-out to Nanny, who is just a complete hun (not a word I use very often, but she is). But everyone with even a passing interest in animation knows who this film belongs to.
Cruella is the dictionary definition of iconic – from the moment you see her outline in the panel of the front door to her eventual demise, swivel-eyed at the wheel of her car. Her enormous fur coat, her weird angular outline, the plume of green smoke that surrounds her at all times, her Tara Palmer-Tomkinson-esque speaking voice, the fact she lives in a dilapidated mansion called Hell Hall (where she smokes in bed) – there are endless reasons to fall in love with Cruella, which is wild, considering what an absolutely detestable character she is. At the end of the day, glamorous or not, you can’t go running off with a load of puppies to skin them and turn them into coats, even if Pongo and Perdita are a pair of complete drips, can you?.
I bet her house fucking stinks of fags and damp, an’ all.
That brings us neatly to the end of the second part of my Disney ranking. We’ve had a very glamorous hippo, a very glamorous rodent and a very glamorous woman walking around and smoking in other people’s houses without asking first.
And what better way to end than that aforementioned video of Karen Carpenter enjoying herself at Disneyland, eh? See yous next week!